Well. Dinner last night was interesting. If only for the reason that I saw that. It shattered what was left of my broken heart. I wanted to run from the room screaming. I was positive that it showed, that the pain coursing through me was obvious enough that someone noticed. But no one did. I guess I'm just that good at hiding my emotions.
And of course the one person I tried to tell just told me "Don't think about it." IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. I can't just turn off my mind! And for me, that's the part of me that will always retain the most of my attention. It's true.
I wish I'd never seen it. Because it's truly sapped me of what little strength I had left. I wish I didn't have a reason to keep trying. I don't want to keep trying. Just let me give up.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Coming Clean Isn't So Easy
I want to tell him. I need to tell him. It's the only way to completely move on.
But he won't want to listen. It'd be the biggest mistake to open my mouth. He's made it perfectly clear that the subject is unwelcome, and I'm not sure I could bring myself to bring it up.
Once again, I'm thinking of others before myself. I know I can't help it (and now fully understand why), but for once, I wish I had the courage to do something solely for myself. For once, I'm tired of protecting others.
But he won't want to listen. It'd be the biggest mistake to open my mouth. He's made it perfectly clear that the subject is unwelcome, and I'm not sure I could bring myself to bring it up.
Once again, I'm thinking of others before myself. I know I can't help it (and now fully understand why), but for once, I wish I had the courage to do something solely for myself. For once, I'm tired of protecting others.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
As the sun sets, my mind betrays me
And it's starting to scare me. Night after night, I've been afraid to go to sleep. I can't stand the nightmares anymore. One after another, I've watched those I care about go through situations no one should have to go through, while I'm forced to watch, without helping.
...and then there was the one dream. The one that wasn't a nightmare, but hit me harder than any of those nightmares. I should've known this would happen around this month. Not because anything's happening, but because of what should have happened. What hasn't happened. I didn't think it'd get to me like this again, but it has. And now that I know that one detail...nothing's going to be the same again. It's changed for me.
...and then there was the one dream. The one that wasn't a nightmare, but hit me harder than any of those nightmares. I should've known this would happen around this month. Not because anything's happening, but because of what should have happened. What hasn't happened. I didn't think it'd get to me like this again, but it has. And now that I know that one detail...nothing's going to be the same again. It's changed for me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
"I wrote this song for a misunderstood stripper."
Well, it's happened again.
I've fallen in love with music. Again. But this time it isn't just any music. It's Texas Country.
Yes, I know, I bring up this genre a lot. But I can't seem to tear myself away from the sheer beauty that these artists bring into this world. I know that most people don't listen to it, or find it that inspiring, but I'm just gonna say that what makes this music so beautiful in part is knowing that the person who wrote it was from the state you're from, has probably eaten at the same Whataburger as you have, and has more than likely driven through your town thinking similar thoughts as you. They're so much more personal than Nashville stars or California dwellers (not stereotyping, just my opinion). All I know is, listening to these four artists/groups explaining and singing their songs for a crowd that consists mostly of bored college students has a certain level of "down to earth" associated with it. And the fact that they took the time to tell us how they came up with a song that means the world to them, or their stories of "It took me 18 years to become an overnight success" made the experience that much more special.
When it comes down to it, tonight made me want to immerse myself in music again. It even gave me hope for my own sad little musical abilities. And a night like that can't be bought or made. It just comes to you.
Kyle Park sang this tonight. He apparently wrote it in Brogdon Hall here on campus. It's a great day to be a Bobcat.
I've fallen in love with music. Again. But this time it isn't just any music. It's Texas Country.
Yes, I know, I bring up this genre a lot. But I can't seem to tear myself away from the sheer beauty that these artists bring into this world. I know that most people don't listen to it, or find it that inspiring, but I'm just gonna say that what makes this music so beautiful in part is knowing that the person who wrote it was from the state you're from, has probably eaten at the same Whataburger as you have, and has more than likely driven through your town thinking similar thoughts as you. They're so much more personal than Nashville stars or California dwellers (not stereotyping, just my opinion). All I know is, listening to these four artists/groups explaining and singing their songs for a crowd that consists mostly of bored college students has a certain level of "down to earth" associated with it. And the fact that they took the time to tell us how they came up with a song that means the world to them, or their stories of "It took me 18 years to become an overnight success" made the experience that much more special.
When it comes down to it, tonight made me want to immerse myself in music again. It even gave me hope for my own sad little musical abilities. And a night like that can't be bought or made. It just comes to you.
Kyle Park sang this tonight. He apparently wrote it in Brogdon Hall here on campus. It's a great day to be a Bobcat.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
And this is for colored girls, who have considered suicide, but are moving to the ends of their own rainbows...
I decided to watch For Colored Girls again. Probably not the best decision. It hit me just as much as it did the first time I saw it.
I find it ironic, that secretly (mainly because it's too bright to wear all the time is it a secret), my favorite color is orange, and Lady in Orange, or Tangie, is a character I relate to the most in this movie. Of course, Lady in Brown, Crystal, got to me a lot the first time I saw it. How could she not? Although truly, both seem to rock me to the core every time I think of this movie, though for different reasons.
This movie saved me once. Watching it again just made me happy that it did. And I hope it continues to save women every day.
I find it ironic, that secretly (mainly because it's too bright to wear all the time is it a secret), my favorite color is orange, and Lady in Orange, or Tangie, is a character I relate to the most in this movie. Of course, Lady in Brown, Crystal, got to me a lot the first time I saw it. How could she not? Although truly, both seem to rock me to the core every time I think of this movie, though for different reasons.
This movie saved me once. Watching it again just made me happy that it did. And I hope it continues to save women every day.
I should be asleep right now...
Well. It's 2:26 am. And I'm scrounging to do a Philosophy assignment. I should have been done with it...well, last month, and I still have to pack to go home. Why do I wait until the last possible moment to do anything? I usually just regret it in the end.
I feel like I'm being haunted by my mind. It won't let me rest. It keeps telling me that I've made more mistakes than I deserve to make, and that I'll be paying for them for the rest of eternity. The weird thing is, the prospect doesn't bother me as much as it should. Because I know I do deserve it. To pay for it, I mean. I've always chosen wrong, and it's about time I start to atone for those choices.
I feel like I'm being haunted by my mind. It won't let me rest. It keeps telling me that I've made more mistakes than I deserve to make, and that I'll be paying for them for the rest of eternity. The weird thing is, the prospect doesn't bother me as much as it should. Because I know I do deserve it. To pay for it, I mean. I've always chosen wrong, and it's about time I start to atone for those choices.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Why??????????????
I've lost everyone who's ever truly been there for me in a matter of hours. I don't understand why I'm such a fuck up. If I'd just done everything the way Gabie taught me and stayed that person I was, none of this would have fucking happened.
I need to go home. Though I doubt even they'd pay attention right now.
I need to go home. Though I doubt even they'd pay attention right now.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Just a little change, small to say the least...
Ok, anyone who knows me generally well will tell you that I have a serious obsession with Beauty and the Beast. But lately I've been realizing it's more than a movie I love. I think the reason I love it is because for the duration of what is generally called my childhood, it was the one constant that always made me truly happy, gave me hope and made me want to live life.
Though recently when I've watched it, I've realized how Beauty and the Beast is different from any other princess movies. Why? Because, for one, they don't fall in love at first sight. It's not some incredibly sappy moment when they're suddenly falling all over themselves to do EVERYTHING for the other person. It's slow, gradual. Love doesn't come out of nowhere, it grows from small acts of kindness between them. Personally, that's more realistic than any of the other movies. If you ignore all of the magical, fantastical elements and just look at the story, it's a beautiful example of how a strong, true love is not only made, but made to last.
Not to mention, Belle is smart, beautiful and kind. She's an amazing Disney princess. Which is why she'll always be my favorite.
Though recently when I've watched it, I've realized how Beauty and the Beast is different from any other princess movies. Why? Because, for one, they don't fall in love at first sight. It's not some incredibly sappy moment when they're suddenly falling all over themselves to do EVERYTHING for the other person. It's slow, gradual. Love doesn't come out of nowhere, it grows from small acts of kindness between them. Personally, that's more realistic than any of the other movies. If you ignore all of the magical, fantastical elements and just look at the story, it's a beautiful example of how a strong, true love is not only made, but made to last.
Not to mention, Belle is smart, beautiful and kind. She's an amazing Disney princess. Which is why she'll always be my favorite.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Awwwww.........
So, I'd like to think I'm not that sappy. But this...this is just awesome.
http://pinterest.com/pin/171761803/
http://pinterest.com/pin/171761803/
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Ummmm...where's the dignity??
So. One of the coaches from my high school has a Facebook now. And just so everyone knows, no one liked this guy. But what amazes me is that his profile picture is taken 1.) In a mirror. 2.) In a dressing room in Wal-Mart, as proven by the background, and 3.) In clothes that have tags on them.
...I think that information is self-explanatory as to why I shared it.
...I think that information is self-explanatory as to why I shared it.
A Conversation To Forget
Well, I'm back in San Marcos. Trust me, this wasn't by choice. I kind of had to come back. All I can say is my apartment is pretty cool, and my first night back wasn't too bad. It was actually kinda fun. But I can't wait for Laine to get back.
The weird thing, though, is probably the things that are on my mind. My mother and I had a conversation the day before I came back (Thursday) when we were driving around Corpus. I didn't mean to bring it up, it kind of just happened. But I instantly regretted opening my mouth. You might be thinking,'oh, she got the sex talk again, huh?'. Nope. Worse. It was about my father.
I suppose I should explain. My father is a recovering alcoholic. It'll be ten years on September 11 this year that he's been sober. The thing is, I don't remember his drinking. In fact, I don't remember anything. The first ten years of my life are a blur, spotted with memories of faces and a couple of my worst 'Leah, what the HELL did you do?!' moments. So when I try to think about it, I honestly pull a blank. But my mother started to talk about in a completely different way than she usually did. She started giving me details of the past, things that I didn't know...or rather, don't remember. And some of it I really wish she hadn't told me, I could have done without that in my head. But the worst part was that she talked about the one thing I thought I vividly remembered, the day he stopped drinking. You see, I remember it happening all in one day, the towers falling, coming home, getting that phone call, hearing my father's voice from jail, and him coming home that afternoon after my grandfather bailed him out (my mother refused to). But apparently, that's not how it happened. He was in jail for two days before he was bailed out. Two! And I honestly look back and can't find that anywhere in my mind. I thought I knew it so well. Part of me is sincerely scared that my mind is that good at blocking it out. The other part of me is glad. Because if I was upset in the memories I do have, I don't want to think about how I was for two days.
I feel like my eyes have been opened, whether I like it or not.
The weird thing, though, is probably the things that are on my mind. My mother and I had a conversation the day before I came back (Thursday) when we were driving around Corpus. I didn't mean to bring it up, it kind of just happened. But I instantly regretted opening my mouth. You might be thinking,'oh, she got the sex talk again, huh?'. Nope. Worse. It was about my father.
I suppose I should explain. My father is a recovering alcoholic. It'll be ten years on September 11 this year that he's been sober. The thing is, I don't remember his drinking. In fact, I don't remember anything. The first ten years of my life are a blur, spotted with memories of faces and a couple of my worst 'Leah, what the HELL did you do?!' moments. So when I try to think about it, I honestly pull a blank. But my mother started to talk about in a completely different way than she usually did. She started giving me details of the past, things that I didn't know...or rather, don't remember. And some of it I really wish she hadn't told me, I could have done without that in my head. But the worst part was that she talked about the one thing I thought I vividly remembered, the day he stopped drinking. You see, I remember it happening all in one day, the towers falling, coming home, getting that phone call, hearing my father's voice from jail, and him coming home that afternoon after my grandfather bailed him out (my mother refused to). But apparently, that's not how it happened. He was in jail for two days before he was bailed out. Two! And I honestly look back and can't find that anywhere in my mind. I thought I knew it so well. Part of me is sincerely scared that my mind is that good at blocking it out. The other part of me is glad. Because if I was upset in the memories I do have, I don't want to think about how I was for two days.
I feel like my eyes have been opened, whether I like it or not.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Well this was unexpected...
Two major things have happened:
1. I just got news that I'm probably a bone marrow match. Wow. I never expected this kind of thing to happen. I could actually help someone, given that I'm picked for it in the end. I still have to test further and stuff.
2. I got the most random phone call last night...from my dad. Not my biological dad. My BA dad. And it was both awesome and horrible. Awesome because I hadn't talked to him in forever, and I miss him. Horrible because I was about to cry the entire time, though I tried my best to not let on that I was. He just caught me by complete surprise. I was already upset from earlier that day with several texts from a friend and thoughts running through my mind. So my emotional stability was questionable at the least. But I can at least say that his phone call reminded me that at least someone cares out there...lately I've gotten the vibe from a lot of people that I'm basically the friend they shoo away when they get bored with me, like a 5 yr old with a new puppy. The novelty rubs off after a while.
I can't take many more surprises! For once, I'd like one day where I didn't have something to freak about. And just think, yesterday was a two in one whammy. Good grief. Time to drink more tea and hope my father takes the news of the marrow match well tonight.
1. I just got news that I'm probably a bone marrow match. Wow. I never expected this kind of thing to happen. I could actually help someone, given that I'm picked for it in the end. I still have to test further and stuff.
2. I got the most random phone call last night...from my dad. Not my biological dad. My BA dad. And it was both awesome and horrible. Awesome because I hadn't talked to him in forever, and I miss him. Horrible because I was about to cry the entire time, though I tried my best to not let on that I was. He just caught me by complete surprise. I was already upset from earlier that day with several texts from a friend and thoughts running through my mind. So my emotional stability was questionable at the least. But I can at least say that his phone call reminded me that at least someone cares out there...lately I've gotten the vibe from a lot of people that I'm basically the friend they shoo away when they get bored with me, like a 5 yr old with a new puppy. The novelty rubs off after a while.
I can't take many more surprises! For once, I'd like one day where I didn't have something to freak about. And just think, yesterday was a two in one whammy. Good grief. Time to drink more tea and hope my father takes the news of the marrow match well tonight.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Uh-oh...
So it's another bad day at the bakery. Well, it's never a bad day for me per say...I just have to deal with the family politics. You see, the owner of the bakery is my older cousin...and her twin sister works here with her. The bickering lately has been NON-STOP. Now, I can understand being frustrated, but this time, they really just need to realize that it's too much.
Friday, July 29, 2011
I've got no room for mercy. That's my heart laying on the floor...
Wanna know a secret? It's not that good, but it's kind of a big telling factor about me.
I have...a rather terminal temper. See, not too exciting. But still noteworthy. You see, I don't get angry very often, and I'm actually a rather patient person. But when it comes to those times I do get spitting mad, it never ends well. I don't listen to any argument detailing as to why I'm in the wrong, or listen to an apology or explanation. When I'm pissed, you can bet I'll stay that way for a while. The longest run has been years. And because of my inability to listen during these bouts of rage, I've been known to make some rash decisions. Like dropping friends completely, saying I never want to speak to someone again, blocking people on Facebook, getting severely close to punching the daylights out of someone (even in a bar...and that wasn't someone I even knew well). Obviously, some of these are highly irreversible. Even so, it happens.
So why bring this up now? Well...because that urge to punch the daylights out of someone has returned. With a vengeance. I've been contemplating my tirade, how exactly I could cut them out of my life, just how wonderful it would feel to slap the s*** out of them...oh yeah, been planning it all. Bad thing is, they don't even know it yet. A 10% part of my brain is saying, warn them, idiot. The other 90%...is relishing in the idea of catching them off-guard. I've asked advice on this (seeing as I've had plenty of time to contemplate), and I've gotten supporters of either side. Go figure. One friend said "You should really rethink it, maybe try to talk to them calmly, don't write them off just yet." The other said "Do it. It seems like they deserve it." Personally, I don't think the first is possible, seeing as I can barely think of doing anything calmly at this point. At the same time, though, I think they're right about me rethinking. Do I really wanna lose someone else because of my stupid temper? I can't even answer that...
I'm not sure what I'll do. However, I do know that my eyes are dry and burning out of their sockets because of my ridiculous allergies. Pretty sure it's the cats that wander around outside. Stupid cats.
Oh, the title. No Room For Mercy by Bleu Edmondson. Great Texas country artist. Even greater song. It's been fitting my mood.
I have...a rather terminal temper. See, not too exciting. But still noteworthy. You see, I don't get angry very often, and I'm actually a rather patient person. But when it comes to those times I do get spitting mad, it never ends well. I don't listen to any argument detailing as to why I'm in the wrong, or listen to an apology or explanation. When I'm pissed, you can bet I'll stay that way for a while. The longest run has been years. And because of my inability to listen during these bouts of rage, I've been known to make some rash decisions. Like dropping friends completely, saying I never want to speak to someone again, blocking people on Facebook, getting severely close to punching the daylights out of someone (even in a bar...and that wasn't someone I even knew well). Obviously, some of these are highly irreversible. Even so, it happens.
So why bring this up now? Well...because that urge to punch the daylights out of someone has returned. With a vengeance. I've been contemplating my tirade, how exactly I could cut them out of my life, just how wonderful it would feel to slap the s*** out of them...oh yeah, been planning it all. Bad thing is, they don't even know it yet. A 10% part of my brain is saying, warn them, idiot. The other 90%...is relishing in the idea of catching them off-guard. I've asked advice on this (seeing as I've had plenty of time to contemplate), and I've gotten supporters of either side. Go figure. One friend said "You should really rethink it, maybe try to talk to them calmly, don't write them off just yet." The other said "Do it. It seems like they deserve it." Personally, I don't think the first is possible, seeing as I can barely think of doing anything calmly at this point. At the same time, though, I think they're right about me rethinking. Do I really wanna lose someone else because of my stupid temper? I can't even answer that...
I'm not sure what I'll do. However, I do know that my eyes are dry and burning out of their sockets because of my ridiculous allergies. Pretty sure it's the cats that wander around outside. Stupid cats.
Oh, the title. No Room For Mercy by Bleu Edmondson. Great Texas country artist. Even greater song. It's been fitting my mood.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
We're going down, down, down doing shots on the hood of my car!
THERE IS A NEW KE$HA SINGLE!!!!!
As you can tell, I'm very excited. This will be my theme song for the fall semester. Why? It makes me feel...wrecklessly happy.
Peace and love.
As you can tell, I'm very excited. This will be my theme song for the fall semester. Why? It makes me feel...wrecklessly happy.
Peace and love.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
And even though I know that every time I take a drink, it brings me down, down, down, down...
Nope. Not drunk, in case anyone is wondering. That is merely the lyrics to my latest favorite Texas Country song, Down by The Captain Legendary. Here, check it out!
Needless to say, it does say a little something about my mood. But I'll be honest, I've become a Texas Country Junkie...that sadly rhymes...wow. Anyway, I found the GREATEST store for buying things such as this song. Though I opted for the She's Like Texas album by Josh Abbott Band. I really can't help it. I've always been drawn to the kind of country that talks about real things, like drinking away someone's memory (unsuccessfully), or being completely heartbroken and trying to get it together. Or better yet, songs that speak about places I know, and have actually been to...like Texas Country. Drinking on an Agua Dulce porch (5 miles away from where I live), or singing on the seawall of Corpus Christi Bay just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. But if you wanna check out more of what I'm talking about, listen to Whiskey Days by JB and the Moonshine Band or Velvet by Stoney Larue. The simplicity really hits you.
That's the upside of my days lately. The other side could be termed as fear. Why? Well, I'm scared of going back to school. For once, instead of running from home and all the problems there, I've run to home. And I admit I feel completely safe and comfortable here, possibly for the first time ever. I'm not too keen on the idea of going back to face everything I want to stay away from and forget in San Marcos. While it would be nice to see a few people...I'm almost better off without everything back in San Marcos in my life. Sure, I miss the freedom, and it'd be nice to walk out the door for a walk every now and then, but I can honestly say I don't miss much else. Every time I think about going back to that city I get a knot in my stomach, and feel like curling up in a ball.
It's not gonna be the same when I get back. Call it intuition, call it chicken salad, but I know this semester will be different. It's like something snapped in me this summer. Everything's changed.
Needless to say, it does say a little something about my mood. But I'll be honest, I've become a Texas Country Junkie...that sadly rhymes...wow. Anyway, I found the GREATEST store for buying things such as this song. Though I opted for the She's Like Texas album by Josh Abbott Band. I really can't help it. I've always been drawn to the kind of country that talks about real things, like drinking away someone's memory (unsuccessfully), or being completely heartbroken and trying to get it together. Or better yet, songs that speak about places I know, and have actually been to...like Texas Country. Drinking on an Agua Dulce porch (5 miles away from where I live), or singing on the seawall of Corpus Christi Bay just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. But if you wanna check out more of what I'm talking about, listen to Whiskey Days by JB and the Moonshine Band or Velvet by Stoney Larue. The simplicity really hits you.
That's the upside of my days lately. The other side could be termed as fear. Why? Well, I'm scared of going back to school. For once, instead of running from home and all the problems there, I've run to home. And I admit I feel completely safe and comfortable here, possibly for the first time ever. I'm not too keen on the idea of going back to face everything I want to stay away from and forget in San Marcos. While it would be nice to see a few people...I'm almost better off without everything back in San Marcos in my life. Sure, I miss the freedom, and it'd be nice to walk out the door for a walk every now and then, but I can honestly say I don't miss much else. Every time I think about going back to that city I get a knot in my stomach, and feel like curling up in a ball.
It's not gonna be the same when I get back. Call it intuition, call it chicken salad, but I know this semester will be different. It's like something snapped in me this summer. Everything's changed.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Caffeine Addictions And Birthday Cakes
So. It's 6:28 am (at the time I've started writing this, I know it won't be by the time I post). And I already have a sweet tea in my hand. See, something happens to me when I get home. I become a sweet-tea-drinking-fiend. There's really no denying I have a problem. I blame my mother, of course, seeing as she's the one who makes about a gallon every day. I have to help her drink it. It'd be rude otherwise! ...yeah, I'm just justifying it. Not really helping.
Anyway, so today is my last day of work for TWO WEEKS. TWO! This is both really cool and depressing. Depressing because, obviously, I love work. So to have to give it up for two weeks is crazy. Really cool because it's the first sign that my birthday is about a week away. I'll be 20!!! No longer a teenager (whoop-dee-doo), but still treated like one! Yeah, I know, I'm complaining. Can't really help it. Out of 20 years, I've been able to celebrate...zero...birthdays with friends. It's always a celebration with family, and ONLY with family. My mother makes sure of it. Just once, I'd love to see a friend on my birthday instead of being forced to explain yet again why I can't invite them, and why it's an iffy situation if they drop by the house (done only once, luckily by a friend my mother loves...who of course, was female). Don't get me wrong, the lopsided cakes made by my little cousins are great, and the movie trips to go see cartoons are kind of cool, but they got pretty repetitive and old a long time ago. I never get to truly do what I want for my birthday, it's always what I can do with the kids, or what's possible for my parents and my aunt to do with an allotted time space. I can almost guarantee this time around that I'll end up going to the movies to see a something my mother's really wanted to see instead of Green Lantern like I want to, and end up eating cake at 7:30 at night that looks like a truck hit it. And it'll probably be chocolate, because that's what Leah's always had for her birthday, and I'll mostly get music, because what else would Leah ever want? To be perfectly honest, my birthday is a vivid reminder of how much my family doesn't listen to what I want, on the one day when it's not a crime to get what I want, just once.
Speaking of birthday cakes, however, I made one for Angelina last night. Even though her birthday is after mine, she won't be around to celebrate it. So Maria Inez and I made a white cake with strawberry frosting. But thanks to my bakery training, it actually came out...pretty. My new knowledge of stacking and frosting and sprinkling made it the best cake I may have made to date. It was kind of exciting. And the whole process reminded me that I do still have things in common with Maria Inez, and she isn't some strange child that's foreign to me like the distance I felt in San Marcos made me thought. It was a comfort to realize that.
I have two wishes for my birthday. One involves an engine and four wheels, so I doubt that one would ever come true. But the other involves...on second thought, I think I'll keep it to myself. If I tell, then it really won't come true.
Namarie.
Anyway, so today is my last day of work for TWO WEEKS. TWO! This is both really cool and depressing. Depressing because, obviously, I love work. So to have to give it up for two weeks is crazy. Really cool because it's the first sign that my birthday is about a week away. I'll be 20!!! No longer a teenager (whoop-dee-doo), but still treated like one! Yeah, I know, I'm complaining. Can't really help it. Out of 20 years, I've been able to celebrate...zero...birthdays with friends. It's always a celebration with family, and ONLY with family. My mother makes sure of it. Just once, I'd love to see a friend on my birthday instead of being forced to explain yet again why I can't invite them, and why it's an iffy situation if they drop by the house (done only once, luckily by a friend my mother loves...who of course, was female). Don't get me wrong, the lopsided cakes made by my little cousins are great, and the movie trips to go see cartoons are kind of cool, but they got pretty repetitive and old a long time ago. I never get to truly do what I want for my birthday, it's always what I can do with the kids, or what's possible for my parents and my aunt to do with an allotted time space. I can almost guarantee this time around that I'll end up going to the movies to see a something my mother's really wanted to see instead of Green Lantern like I want to, and end up eating cake at 7:30 at night that looks like a truck hit it. And it'll probably be chocolate, because that's what Leah's always had for her birthday, and I'll mostly get music, because what else would Leah ever want? To be perfectly honest, my birthday is a vivid reminder of how much my family doesn't listen to what I want, on the one day when it's not a crime to get what I want, just once.
Speaking of birthday cakes, however, I made one for Angelina last night. Even though her birthday is after mine, she won't be around to celebrate it. So Maria Inez and I made a white cake with strawberry frosting. But thanks to my bakery training, it actually came out...pretty. My new knowledge of stacking and frosting and sprinkling made it the best cake I may have made to date. It was kind of exciting. And the whole process reminded me that I do still have things in common with Maria Inez, and she isn't some strange child that's foreign to me like the distance I felt in San Marcos made me thought. It was a comfort to realize that.
I have two wishes for my birthday. One involves an engine and four wheels, so I doubt that one would ever come true. But the other involves...on second thought, I think I'll keep it to myself. If I tell, then it really won't come true.
Namarie.
Monday, June 27, 2011
"You smell so good. I. Want. To. Take. A. Bite. Out. Of. You."
So I work at a bakery. And I'm fast learning, I'm pretty good at it. I'm not meaning to brag or anything. It's just that not many people can wake up at 3 am every day and give every person (rude people who throw their money on the counter included) a warm, sunshine-y smile as they ask them "Can I help you?" But the interesting part of it is that not only am I good at it, but I enjoy it. More than I ever thought I would. To the point where I wish I could get up at 3 am every day of my life. I know it sounds crazy, but I would be happy. Probably more than if I finished school and taught, which I also know I love. But there's something so satisfying about helping someone, smiling, just influencing a little of their day, that makes me feel more accomplished than almost any other moment in my life.
To be perfectly honest, the bakery is saving me right now. Without it, I'd have nothing to distract me from the rest of my life, which hasn't been going so great. I've started to see that my entire life has been nothing but cycles. When it comes to friends, relationships, it all begins and ends the same way, no matter how different I think the situation is. And I'm hoping, for once, I can change how I usually deal with things, because I can't stand the idea of the cycle completing again, especially in this one instance.
And let's not touch too much on the subject of family, right now. Basically, I'm being forced to watch as the people I love the most are hurt and suffering, or walking willingly towards needless misery, with no one to tell it all to, or any way to help. It's more than I can bear sometimes.
I keep doing what I shouldn't. And the bad thing is it's starting to weigh less and less on my conscience. Someone told me to not give up, that I can change. I think I have given up already, just haven't given up on hoping I can change. Doesn't make any sense, but there you go.
Oh, the title? My aunt told me that the other day when I saw her at a track meet after work. I smelled like buttercream frosting...her favorite.
To be perfectly honest, the bakery is saving me right now. Without it, I'd have nothing to distract me from the rest of my life, which hasn't been going so great. I've started to see that my entire life has been nothing but cycles. When it comes to friends, relationships, it all begins and ends the same way, no matter how different I think the situation is. And I'm hoping, for once, I can change how I usually deal with things, because I can't stand the idea of the cycle completing again, especially in this one instance.
And let's not touch too much on the subject of family, right now. Basically, I'm being forced to watch as the people I love the most are hurt and suffering, or walking willingly towards needless misery, with no one to tell it all to, or any way to help. It's more than I can bear sometimes.
I keep doing what I shouldn't. And the bad thing is it's starting to weigh less and less on my conscience. Someone told me to not give up, that I can change. I think I have given up already, just haven't given up on hoping I can change. Doesn't make any sense, but there you go.
Oh, the title? My aunt told me that the other day when I saw her at a track meet after work. I smelled like buttercream frosting...her favorite.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Hm...? Sorry, can't think of a title.
...I think I'm going insane. Now, you may think that the declaration of insanity might be uncalled for, but I'm far more lost than I'm letting on. Even to myself. I can't really figure out what I even want day to day in my life. I used to have a plan, and a damn good one if I do say so myself. But lately...it's like I've been forced to start from scratch against my will. The events of these past two years have really piled up until...well, this. I look back at myself and long for it. What's even worse is I look at myself today in the mirror with the mental stance of myself two years ago and want to destroy my reflection. If that doesn't say something, I don't know what does. To put it simply, all that goes through my mind lately is "How the fuck did I get here and who the fuck am I?" It's a safe thing to say that I can't stand myself on a most primal level. And I'm realizing if that's the truth, I don't deserve the one thing that's been on my mind lately.
I think that kills me more than anything. I don't ever see myself getting even within walking distance of the person I used to be. And that's sad, because even that person was flawed...
I think that kills me more than anything. I don't ever see myself getting even within walking distance of the person I used to be. And that's sad, because even that person was flawed...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Very Different...
Holy Spirit Prayer
Eternal Flame, come to my aid,
Show unto me the righteous path,
And lend me the strength
To keep going. Amen.
Eternal Flame, come to my aid,
Show unto me the righteous path,
And lend me the strength
To keep going. Amen.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Bear With Me, This Will Be Long...
So I was looking through my book and I realized: I have 3 Love poems.
Not 3 poems only about love, but 3 poems titled Love. (well, Love, Love II, and Love III, respectfully) So that implies that I should post them together. Problem? Love II has a partner poem. So. This post will have 4 poems total. Here goes nothing!
Love
Love isn't patient.
It's restless.
Your hands, body and soul
Twitch with the
Anticipation of a
Single touch.
Love is not kind.
It's cruel.
It tears at your
Heartstrings,
Bringing tears to your
Eyes for the
Longing of it.
So why do people always
Lie about how it really is?
Maybe they don't
Really know true love.
Hell
I'm sorry.
You must understand...this wasn't your fault.
It was my choice.
Please don't forget me.
That's all I ask of you.
Believe me when I say I love you.
I always will.
I just saw this as the best solution.
Trust me when I say it is better this way.
I couldn't keep living like that.
I know all that's left is Hell.
It doesn't matter.
I've been living in Hell for too long.
At least now, I know why I deserve it.
Love II
It's funny when you're in love.
Clouds dance endlessly around the sun.
Everything seems three times brighter.
Your heart jumps at the mere thought of it.
Happiness becomes a real possibility.
Nothing can even dream of messing up.
Your soul seems three times fuller than before.
Amazing, really.
To think how it all started.
One.
Single.
Person.
Love III
It's rather stupid, personally.
I feel like I can tell you anything,...and yet,
There is so much I'm holding back.
It feels as though if I tell you, I'll lose you.
If I tell you too much, I'm afraid it will scare you away.
Like how can I tell you I love you?
You don't just say that to best friends.
It's an unwritten law.
You know I like you.
But I don't think you will ever understand -
Don't say you will! - Just let me finish! -
Just how much I love you.
I love you more than Penelope longed for Odysseus.
Or more than the mischievous stars love to sparkle brilliantly in the pitch-black sky.
You have no idea.
Love has never entered your mind.
But it's haunted mine for quite some time.
I've tried my best to hide it,
For fear it will tear us apart.
Friendships aren't meant to handle this.
This one-sided, idiotically impossible love.
I know how you feel:
Nothing like how I feel for you.
And I know there is nothing I can do to change that.
So for a time, I like to think I shouldn't tell you.
It won't matter anyway.
But deep in my soul, I know keeping it from you is wrong.
I'm just so afraid of how you would react.
Of what it would make you do.
So please, promise me one thing.
Don't leave me, even if you can't look me in the eye.
Don't tell me things are different and it's too weird.
Because you may not be able to handle love,
But I can't handle a life without it,...without you.
Even if I can't say it face to face,...
I love you too much to lose you.
(Notes: This was (regretfully) non-fiction. And the person it was written for did read it. And to my surprise, it went over well. And just a random fact because it's late and I feel like making this THAT much longer, I've always been completely mesmerized by the love between Penelope and Odysseus in Homer's The Odyssey. They loved each other so much that 20 freaking years of absence didn't tear them apart. Sorry, but that tops Romeo and Juliet any day. So I often refer to it in some form or fashion throughout my life.)
Not 3 poems only about love, but 3 poems titled Love. (well, Love, Love II, and Love III, respectfully) So that implies that I should post them together. Problem? Love II has a partner poem. So. This post will have 4 poems total. Here goes nothing!
Love
Love isn't patient.
It's restless.
Your hands, body and soul
Twitch with the
Anticipation of a
Single touch.
Love is not kind.
It's cruel.
It tears at your
Heartstrings,
Bringing tears to your
Eyes for the
Longing of it.
So why do people always
Lie about how it really is?
Maybe they don't
Really know true love.
(Notes: I'm not trying to go against the Bible. I took a little artistic license. Trust me, I love those verses. Heck, I'm Catholic! The reason I bring it up is that I know some have read it and commented that the defiant, borderline sacrilegious tone bothered them. I hope you understand where I'm coming from.)
(The next two poems are designed to be complete opposites. I know. Dumb. But they face each other in my poetry book and I just find it fitting.)
Hell
I'm sorry.
You must understand...this wasn't your fault.
It was my choice.
Please don't forget me.
That's all I ask of you.
Believe me when I say I love you.
I always will.
I just saw this as the best solution.
Trust me when I say it is better this way.
I couldn't keep living like that.
I know all that's left is Hell.
It doesn't matter.
I've been living in Hell for too long.
At least now, I know why I deserve it.
Love II
It's funny when you're in love.
Clouds dance endlessly around the sun.
Everything seems three times brighter.
Your heart jumps at the mere thought of it.
Happiness becomes a real possibility.
Nothing can even dream of messing up.
Your soul seems three times fuller than before.
Amazing, really.
To think how it all started.
One.
Single.
Person.
(Notes: No, Hell was never intended to be a personal suicide letter disguised as a poem. I've had someone ask that, too.)
Love III
It's rather stupid, personally.
I feel like I can tell you anything,...and yet,
There is so much I'm holding back.
It feels as though if I tell you, I'll lose you.
If I tell you too much, I'm afraid it will scare you away.
Like how can I tell you I love you?
You don't just say that to best friends.
It's an unwritten law.
You know I like you.
But I don't think you will ever understand -
Don't say you will! - Just let me finish! -
Just how much I love you.
I love you more than Penelope longed for Odysseus.
Or more than the mischievous stars love to sparkle brilliantly in the pitch-black sky.
You have no idea.
Love has never entered your mind.
But it's haunted mine for quite some time.
I've tried my best to hide it,
For fear it will tear us apart.
Friendships aren't meant to handle this.
This one-sided, idiotically impossible love.
I know how you feel:
Nothing like how I feel for you.
And I know there is nothing I can do to change that.
So for a time, I like to think I shouldn't tell you.
It won't matter anyway.
But deep in my soul, I know keeping it from you is wrong.
I'm just so afraid of how you would react.
Of what it would make you do.
So please, promise me one thing.
Don't leave me, even if you can't look me in the eye.
Don't tell me things are different and it's too weird.
Because you may not be able to handle love,
But I can't handle a life without it,...without you.
Even if I can't say it face to face,...
I love you too much to lose you.
(Notes: This was (regretfully) non-fiction. And the person it was written for did read it. And to my surprise, it went over well. And just a random fact because it's late and I feel like making this THAT much longer, I've always been completely mesmerized by the love between Penelope and Odysseus in Homer's The Odyssey. They loved each other so much that 20 freaking years of absence didn't tear them apart. Sorry, but that tops Romeo and Juliet any day. So I often refer to it in some form or fashion throughout my life.)
Friday, April 15, 2011
Need To Keep Up With Posting These
This poem. This one is actually non-fiction. Who it was about, I'd rather not say. But the irony of the outcome of the situation still resonates with me to this day. You see, the last request in this poem was actually fulfilled. The irony is that the end of the story was nowhere near what was anticipated or even expected in wildest dreams from either of us. I have to admit that I like this one a lot. I wrote it during an emotion when I rarely allow myself to write (anger), and honestly, the raw clarity is still striking to me. Granted, it's not perfect, nor what I would consider publish worthy. But it wasn't written for that, and the goal of it was accomplished: clearing my mind.
(P.S. Andrea, this is for you, too. 371-VST!)
One Request
I see it coming.
Don't worry
I understand.
Break my heart.
Tear me down.
Do what you have to.
Fall for her.
Love her.
Make me hate you.
Make me forget you.
Tell me what I dread.
Because I'm tired.
Tired of loving.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of hoping.
Tired of longing.
Of lying to myself.
Of making excuses.
Of keeping hope alive.
Of losing my mind.
Leave me alone.
Let me be.
Let me stop loving you.
Kill my dreams.
Crumble my heart.
Crush my soul.
Annihilate my love for you.
Do for me what I can't do for myself.
I can't stop loving you.
I can't stop needing you.
I can't hate you.
Not without cause.
So give me one good reason.
Choose her over me.
Make her yours.
Then maybe my world will collapse.
Like it needs to.
Because you're holding me back.
You always have.
And always will.
I'm begging you...just break me.
On second thought...
Prove me wrong.
Please.
(P.S. Andrea, this is for you, too. 371-VST!)
One Request
I see it coming.
Don't worry
I understand.
Break my heart.
Tear me down.
Do what you have to.
Fall for her.
Love her.
Make me hate you.
Make me forget you.
Tell me what I dread.
Because I'm tired.
Tired of loving.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of hoping.
Tired of longing.
Of lying to myself.
Of making excuses.
Of keeping hope alive.
Of losing my mind.
Leave me alone.
Let me be.
Let me stop loving you.
Kill my dreams.
Crumble my heart.
Crush my soul.
Annihilate my love for you.
Do for me what I can't do for myself.
I can't stop loving you.
I can't stop needing you.
I can't hate you.
Not without cause.
So give me one good reason.
Choose her over me.
Make her yours.
Then maybe my world will collapse.
Like it needs to.
Because you're holding me back.
You always have.
And always will.
I'm begging you...just break me.
On second thought...
Prove me wrong.
Please.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
...Just Feels Like The Night For One Of These
A Word
She watched as the dawn slowly brightened the room,
Listening to the sound of his breathing,
Concentrating on remembering the moment.
For the moments were rare and hard to come by.
There were no words to describe it,
The feeling she had when his arms were around her,
His skin against hers.
She couldn't call it heaven,
For Heaven is a place not of this planet.
She was positive it was beyond bliss,
Beyond even the happiest of dreams,
But what kind of word could begin to paint that image?
He shifted suddenly,
And she turned to see a frown marring his features.
She slowly and gently pressed her lips to his,
And smiled slightly as the furrows smoothed,
His face once again an image of indescribable beauty.
As she settled back down against his side,
Finding that perfect crook in his shoulder to rest her head,
A single word suddenly popped into her mind,
Bursting into light like a sparkler on the Fourth of July.
Euphoria.
Yes, she thought as she drifted back to sleep,
Utter euphoria.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Withdrawal
When you're upset, do you retreat? Hide away from the world?
I used to do that a lot, thinking that it would be easier and better. But listening and talking to friends about it has made me realize something. Usually, you're upset from an inner turmoil, a problem that is played on repeat in your mind. So how is it beneficial to retreat to solitude? It was never a thought to me. I had always fooled myself that isolation would help, but now I see that it's true: to help yourself, sometimes you have to force yourself to reach out, ask for the help you need and make sure you aren't alone.
I'm going to try that from now on, but with more of a fortitude behind my actions.
I used to do that a lot, thinking that it would be easier and better. But listening and talking to friends about it has made me realize something. Usually, you're upset from an inner turmoil, a problem that is played on repeat in your mind. So how is it beneficial to retreat to solitude? It was never a thought to me. I had always fooled myself that isolation would help, but now I see that it's true: to help yourself, sometimes you have to force yourself to reach out, ask for the help you need and make sure you aren't alone.
I'm going to try that from now on, but with more of a fortitude behind my actions.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Trigonometry
Trigonometry is something I've never studied. Never really had an interest. But you know what, I feel like I'm kind of an expert. Why? Because I've been in a triangle. Literally been one of the points of a triangle. For months. And it stinks, because triangles are not my favorite shape. At all. My favorite shape is a star...mainly because they're always mentioned in Lord of the Rings and I can draw a really legit one. But still, I've never been a fan of triangles. They're annoying, and to me, they never resolve. If you know what I mean. And I've gotten to the point in my life where I'm sick of triangles, sick of being the point in a perpetually unresolved situation. The only problem is that I can't help but stay part of this triangle, part of this completely emotional clusterf***. Why?
Being a triangle is better than being a dot.
...However, I think for my sanity, I need to figure out the theory of lines.
Being a triangle is better than being a dot.
...However, I think for my sanity, I need to figure out the theory of lines.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Chuck Lorre Fanatic? Why Yes, Yes I Am...
I've done it. I've found the Chuck Lorre Vanity Cards posted at the end of every episode of his tv sitcoms.
I may never be bored again.
http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=1
Go have fun, fellow Chuck Lorre fans!!!
I may never be bored again.
http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=1
Go have fun, fellow Chuck Lorre fans!!!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Poteet And Pat
Poteet Strawberry Festival.
Those three words get me so hyper and excited that most people in my family know to not say them unless the other necessary three words (Yes, we're going.) follow IMMEDIATELY.
Anyway, I went today to the small town of Poteet to partake in the wonderful festivities they have there that center around the locally grown strawberries of fame. And once again, I was not disappointed. First order of business was, of course, the chocolate-dipped strawberries. After that, it all went uphill. I had a glorious time with all of the food that was at my disposal (or rather, arms reach to devour). Especially the strawberry bread, sold by the Poteet Fightin' Aggie Band. And let me tell you, I was never prouder of band geeks than those selling that absolutely delectable strawberry bread. It. Was. Marvelous. Looking for a recipe for that is actually on my to-do list now. It was that good. I went back for seconds. Why do I keep going on about strawberry bread? Because it has changed my life. ...Or taste buds. Whichever works.
And then, at 5 o'clock (Haha, 5 o'clock, appropriate timing...), the Pat Green concert started. A free concert. It was his first time headlining at Poteet Strawberry Festival, and he did not disappoint. He, and his band of merry Texans (except for the bassist from Richmond, VA, but we can excuse him since he lives in Austin now), put on a spectacular show, and got me in the mood for Texas Country yet again. And I walked away with the replacement for the CD of his that was stolen back in high school. This was a huge deal for me, and I'm happy about it. I get to jam to Pat Green again.
All in all, the day was great. Let's see what the night brings.
Those three words get me so hyper and excited that most people in my family know to not say them unless the other necessary three words (Yes, we're going.) follow IMMEDIATELY.
Anyway, I went today to the small town of Poteet to partake in the wonderful festivities they have there that center around the locally grown strawberries of fame. And once again, I was not disappointed. First order of business was, of course, the chocolate-dipped strawberries. After that, it all went uphill. I had a glorious time with all of the food that was at my disposal (or rather, arms reach to devour). Especially the strawberry bread, sold by the Poteet Fightin' Aggie Band. And let me tell you, I was never prouder of band geeks than those selling that absolutely delectable strawberry bread. It. Was. Marvelous. Looking for a recipe for that is actually on my to-do list now. It was that good. I went back for seconds. Why do I keep going on about strawberry bread? Because it has changed my life. ...Or taste buds. Whichever works.
And then, at 5 o'clock (Haha, 5 o'clock, appropriate timing...), the Pat Green concert started. A free concert. It was his first time headlining at Poteet Strawberry Festival, and he did not disappoint. He, and his band of merry Texans (except for the bassist from Richmond, VA, but we can excuse him since he lives in Austin now), put on a spectacular show, and got me in the mood for Texas Country yet again. And I walked away with the replacement for the CD of his that was stolen back in high school. This was a huge deal for me, and I'm happy about it. I get to jam to Pat Green again.
All in all, the day was great. Let's see what the night brings.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head
Rain...
Here's another secret.
I love it.
I've always had this fascination with rain. Maybe it's because in South Texas, we more often than not have crazy long droughts and we're praying for the rain to save the grain and cotton. Maybe it's because the symbolism behind rain pulls at the fantastical side of my mind. Regardless of why, I simply can never hate it. It's a beautiful thing, and even if I get soaking wet and I'm freezing to death in a class or I feel miserable two days later, I still like it. The world gets quieter when it rains, like a hush overtakes the Earth and all in it. Not to mention, I've always seen rain as a sign of new beginnings, a cleansing of what was cracked, dry and brittle into something full of life. And at this point in my life, new beginnings would be welcome.
The rain always makes me think of that B.J. Thomas song. Yes, I'm a college student who knows who B.J. Thomas is. There's not many of us left, but we're still around! It's always been one of my favorite songs, mostly because it came out on Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, which, if you have never seen, is one of my favorite westerns starring Robert Redford and Paul Newman.
Watch a clip, if you'd like. Personally, it's wonderful. My favorite scene in the movie by far.
So I find it funny that something that's normally considered gloomy and depressing and such actually pulled me out of the worst of those feelings into something bearable today. But then again, I can't be the only one who loves the rain, right?
The poem I'm posting today is one that I wrote when I was missing a friend and it was more than I could bear. He had been there for me through everything, and then without warning was torn out of my life. Luckily, we've still had a chance to keep in touch despite circumstances, and I can honestly say I owe him more than my life. Pat, since hopefully you'll get to read this, I love you more than words can say, and I hope that whatever your doing, wherever you are, you'll know that I'm keeping you forever in my heart.
IDK
IDK...
IDK what it is I'm feeling right now.
IDK whether to feel sad, angry or happy.
IDK what's going on anymore.
IDK why the weather seems to be so beautiful and awful at the same time.
IDK when we'll have track practice again.
IDK what this desk is made of...I've always wondered.
IDK why Menchaca likes the Red Balloon.
IDK why my key fell off yesterday.
IDK whether I'll try out for Drum Major again or not.
IDK why this week has totally, utterly stunk.
IDK how a computer works.
IDK why nail polish has to always chip.
IDK what we did last period, I just did it.
IDK why music can make me feel so alive...and yet so dead.
IDK where Antonio went...he's probably dead.
IDK how I'm gonna get to State in Solo.
IDK what my SSN is...I know, pathetic.
IDK how Super Graph Man can have such NEAT handwriting.
IDK why I slack off.
IDK what my best friend is doing right now.
IDK a thing about politics,...but I'd vote anyway if I could.
IDK why they painted the classrooms yellow...don't they know yellow makes you want to leave a room faster?
IDK where they make Levi's...I'd like to though.
IDK where exactly I'll go to college.
IDK where Kim is gonna go, either.
IDK why everyone's wearing pink or grey today.
IDK what the heck I'm talking about half the time.
IDK why I like running...I just do.
IDK why I haven't fixed my ring yet...I should.
IDK why Andrea and I are laughing at this exact moment.
IDK why there's a star on the wall.
IDK if I'll ever learn to drive.
IDK what the heck feudalism is...I can never remember!
IDK what time it is.
IDK when I learned to read.
IDK if the Varsity Football guys will go to Playoffs next year.
IDK why most socks are white...that's a really good subject to think about.
IDK why I like FanFiction.net...but it's addictive.
IDK what's in eyeliner...maybe I don't want to.
IDK how I'll get through college.
IDK what is wrong with you.
IDK why they play this song ALL THE TIME!!!
IDK what day I met you...but I don't regret it.
IDK why things have to be this way...all I know is it's not fair.
IDK why life has taken such a turn.
IDK if the pain will ever stop...I hope it does.
IDK what the Lord has planned...but it's bigger than anything we've ever dreamed up.
IDK why everything has a song to go with it.
IDK what's gonna happen next...but I know we're ready for it.
IDK how it will end...but that's the fun of it.
IDK a lot of things...but I do know I love you, and that makes it all better.
IDK if you'll ever read this...if you do...don't ask what I was thinking...
Cuz IDK...I never do.
Here's another secret.
I love it.
I've always had this fascination with rain. Maybe it's because in South Texas, we more often than not have crazy long droughts and we're praying for the rain to save the grain and cotton. Maybe it's because the symbolism behind rain pulls at the fantastical side of my mind. Regardless of why, I simply can never hate it. It's a beautiful thing, and even if I get soaking wet and I'm freezing to death in a class or I feel miserable two days later, I still like it. The world gets quieter when it rains, like a hush overtakes the Earth and all in it. Not to mention, I've always seen rain as a sign of new beginnings, a cleansing of what was cracked, dry and brittle into something full of life. And at this point in my life, new beginnings would be welcome.
The rain always makes me think of that B.J. Thomas song. Yes, I'm a college student who knows who B.J. Thomas is. There's not many of us left, but we're still around! It's always been one of my favorite songs, mostly because it came out on Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, which, if you have never seen, is one of my favorite westerns starring Robert Redford and Paul Newman.
Watch a clip, if you'd like. Personally, it's wonderful. My favorite scene in the movie by far.
So I find it funny that something that's normally considered gloomy and depressing and such actually pulled me out of the worst of those feelings into something bearable today. But then again, I can't be the only one who loves the rain, right?
The poem I'm posting today is one that I wrote when I was missing a friend and it was more than I could bear. He had been there for me through everything, and then without warning was torn out of my life. Luckily, we've still had a chance to keep in touch despite circumstances, and I can honestly say I owe him more than my life. Pat, since hopefully you'll get to read this, I love you more than words can say, and I hope that whatever your doing, wherever you are, you'll know that I'm keeping you forever in my heart.
IDK
IDK...
IDK what it is I'm feeling right now.
IDK whether to feel sad, angry or happy.
IDK what's going on anymore.
IDK why the weather seems to be so beautiful and awful at the same time.
IDK when we'll have track practice again.
IDK what this desk is made of...I've always wondered.
IDK why Menchaca likes the Red Balloon.
IDK why my key fell off yesterday.
IDK whether I'll try out for Drum Major again or not.
IDK why this week has totally, utterly stunk.
IDK how a computer works.
IDK why nail polish has to always chip.
IDK what we did last period, I just did it.
IDK why music can make me feel so alive...and yet so dead.
IDK where Antonio went...he's probably dead.
IDK how I'm gonna get to State in Solo.
IDK what my SSN is...I know, pathetic.
IDK how Super Graph Man can have such NEAT handwriting.
IDK why I slack off.
IDK what my best friend is doing right now.
IDK a thing about politics,...but I'd vote anyway if I could.
IDK why they painted the classrooms yellow...don't they know yellow makes you want to leave a room faster?
IDK where they make Levi's...I'd like to though.
IDK where exactly I'll go to college.
IDK where Kim is gonna go, either.
IDK why everyone's wearing pink or grey today.
IDK what the heck I'm talking about half the time.
IDK why I like running...I just do.
IDK why I haven't fixed my ring yet...I should.
IDK why Andrea and I are laughing at this exact moment.
IDK why there's a star on the wall.
IDK if I'll ever learn to drive.
IDK what the heck feudalism is...I can never remember!
IDK what time it is.
IDK when I learned to read.
IDK if the Varsity Football guys will go to Playoffs next year.
IDK why most socks are white...that's a really good subject to think about.
IDK why I like FanFiction.net...but it's addictive.
IDK what's in eyeliner...maybe I don't want to.
IDK how I'll get through college.
IDK what is wrong with you.
IDK why they play this song ALL THE TIME!!!
IDK what day I met you...but I don't regret it.
IDK why things have to be this way...all I know is it's not fair.
IDK why life has taken such a turn.
IDK if the pain will ever stop...I hope it does.
IDK what the Lord has planned...but it's bigger than anything we've ever dreamed up.
IDK why everything has a song to go with it.
IDK what's gonna happen next...but I know we're ready for it.
IDK how it will end...but that's the fun of it.
IDK a lot of things...but I do know I love you, and that makes it all better.
IDK if you'll ever read this...if you do...don't ask what I was thinking...
Cuz IDK...I never do.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Love
There's not really much I have to say about love. Everyone has their own opinions on what it is and how it should go.
Me?
I'm not sure. I mean, I believe that love is a true thing, when you are willing to sacrifice for a person and care for their wellbeing. I just don't think that it's as wonderful as everyone says. I admit, I've loved (and lost) before. And while my life was changed due to it, I think I would have been better off without it. Because it changed me for the worst. Not in a completely horrible way. I just don't think I could love the way I used to. Because a big part of love is trust. And that...is something that has been crushed by many people around me. I feel like I can't trust anyone with my heart ever again. Some might say I just need to wait or the right person won't scatter it all to the wind, but I say I know myself. And the way I loved - fully, compassionately, and with the best intentions - will never happen again. I can truthfully say I don't have hope for myself ever loving.
But then again, I will say this. Maybe, one day, someone can show me how to love again. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to trust.
Love
Love isn't patient.
It's restless.
Your hands, body, and soul
Twitch with the
Anticipation of a
Single touch.
Love is not kind.
It's cruel.
It tears at your
Heartstrings,
Bringing tears to your
Eyes for the
Longing of it.
So why do people always
Lie about how it really is?
Maybe they don't
Really know love.
Me?
I'm not sure. I mean, I believe that love is a true thing, when you are willing to sacrifice for a person and care for their wellbeing. I just don't think that it's as wonderful as everyone says. I admit, I've loved (and lost) before. And while my life was changed due to it, I think I would have been better off without it. Because it changed me for the worst. Not in a completely horrible way. I just don't think I could love the way I used to. Because a big part of love is trust. And that...is something that has been crushed by many people around me. I feel like I can't trust anyone with my heart ever again. Some might say I just need to wait or the right person won't scatter it all to the wind, but I say I know myself. And the way I loved - fully, compassionately, and with the best intentions - will never happen again. I can truthfully say I don't have hope for myself ever loving.
But then again, I will say this. Maybe, one day, someone can show me how to love again. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to trust.
Love
Love isn't patient.
It's restless.
Your hands, body, and soul
Twitch with the
Anticipation of a
Single touch.
Love is not kind.
It's cruel.
It tears at your
Heartstrings,
Bringing tears to your
Eyes for the
Longing of it.
So why do people always
Lie about how it really is?
Maybe they don't
Really know love.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Another Old Poem, To Make The Last One Not So Lonely
You
I don't understand you.
And yet...
You're the only one who makes perfect sense.
As much as we hate to admit,
We are so alike.
Because of it, you'd think
I would be able to figure it all out.
As much as I know,
You're still such a mystery.
But this I'm sure of.
You are what keeps me going.
You know exactly what I'm thinking, and
You know exactly how to change it for the better.
You are one of the only reasons I've got left.
You stay when the others turn.
You have always been here for me.
What's happened?
Where are you now?
I'm not sure.
All I know is...
You've got a lot of making up to do.
Because I need you.
Need.
Don't you know that?
I'm sorry I'm being so...
Dependent.
But I'm scared.
And you're the only one I can run to.
I don't understand you.
And yet...
You're the only one who makes perfect sense.
As much as we hate to admit,
We are so alike.
Because of it, you'd think
I would be able to figure it all out.
As much as I know,
You're still such a mystery.
But this I'm sure of.
You are what keeps me going.
You know exactly what I'm thinking, and
You know exactly how to change it for the better.
You are one of the only reasons I've got left.
You stay when the others turn.
You have always been here for me.
What's happened?
Where are you now?
I'm not sure.
All I know is...
You've got a lot of making up to do.
Because I need you.
Need.
Don't you know that?
I'm sorry I'm being so...
Dependent.
But I'm scared.
And you're the only one I can run to.
No Small Talk Today, Just An Old, Lonely Poem
My Light
I don't understand.
How is it that you can make me feel so much better just by smiling?
Just by meeting your eyes, all my problems melt away.
I'm gliding across the sky.
All cares abandoned in the depths of the sea below.
You speak, I let myself fall into a field of green.
Your arms so gentle, holding me, wrapping me in heaven.
You smile.
I'm safe forever more.
Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself.
You've saved me from the dark.
My light, my love.
I think I finally understand.
I don't understand.
How is it that you can make me feel so much better just by smiling?
Just by meeting your eyes, all my problems melt away.
I'm gliding across the sky.
All cares abandoned in the depths of the sea below.
You speak, I let myself fall into a field of green.
Your arms so gentle, holding me, wrapping me in heaven.
You smile.
I'm safe forever more.
Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself.
You've saved me from the dark.
My light, my love.
I think I finally understand.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Dirty Hands Make For A Sunshine-y Day
Art. Something I used to see as completely beyond my abilities and never in my future.
And somehow, it's become one of the few things that keep me going. Today's basic drawing class was probably one of the best I've had, though last week was quite the revelation for me. For once, I've been good at something creative. You know, that comes out of my own mind. Because what I put on that newsprint paper with charcoal and graphite is a creation that no one else can possibly recreate exactly, for they don't see the world the same way as I do. And that to me is a completely beautiful and humbling idea. And for all the fear that I used to have to let someone see anything I drew, I've been SHOWING people what I've been doing in class lately. I'm not afraid anymore. For some reason, I've always been comfortable with singing, because the words are always someone else's (though I can't guarantee they'll always be), and playing clarinet or guitar is a tad different because, once again, the notes and chords are on the page for me, concrete and not mine, though through the ever-present musician's liberty I can tweak it to make it "mine" in a way. But art? It's completely unlike that. It's truly mine. It represents the inner workings of my mind in a way that only writing has been able to do before. And yet, it's even a more intimate event than that. For even though the words are from my perspective, no words can express exactly what the eye can see. So today, my hands were covered in charcoal and graphite and all sorts of powdery residues thrice over, but my mind was free for a while. If it weren't for Fridays, I would have given up hope a long time ago.
And now for the poetry. This is...one of my darker ones. Again, fictional (the non-fictional poetry I'm a tad reluctant to debut, seeing as my intents and emotions are a little transparent in my writing of actual transpiring events), and written after talking to an old friend. It's not one of my best.
Unwanted Thoughts
Darkness
Only Darkness
Vision comes into focus
Slowly
White pinpoints glare down
Flicker lightly
Vision goes out
Pictures fly across black
I hear the slam of a door
Green-blue eyes filled with hate
A sob
A slap
"I never did!"
Accusing, hard eyes
Unheard explanations
Another's arms...
Two broken hearts
Whole only together
Never to be together again
Vision comes back
Belongings are gone
Bed is empty
I sob
Darkness...
Only darkness
And somehow, it's become one of the few things that keep me going. Today's basic drawing class was probably one of the best I've had, though last week was quite the revelation for me. For once, I've been good at something creative. You know, that comes out of my own mind. Because what I put on that newsprint paper with charcoal and graphite is a creation that no one else can possibly recreate exactly, for they don't see the world the same way as I do. And that to me is a completely beautiful and humbling idea. And for all the fear that I used to have to let someone see anything I drew, I've been SHOWING people what I've been doing in class lately. I'm not afraid anymore. For some reason, I've always been comfortable with singing, because the words are always someone else's (though I can't guarantee they'll always be), and playing clarinet or guitar is a tad different because, once again, the notes and chords are on the page for me, concrete and not mine, though through the ever-present musician's liberty I can tweak it to make it "mine" in a way. But art? It's completely unlike that. It's truly mine. It represents the inner workings of my mind in a way that only writing has been able to do before. And yet, it's even a more intimate event than that. For even though the words are from my perspective, no words can express exactly what the eye can see. So today, my hands were covered in charcoal and graphite and all sorts of powdery residues thrice over, but my mind was free for a while. If it weren't for Fridays, I would have given up hope a long time ago.
And now for the poetry. This is...one of my darker ones. Again, fictional (the non-fictional poetry I'm a tad reluctant to debut, seeing as my intents and emotions are a little transparent in my writing of actual transpiring events), and written after talking to an old friend. It's not one of my best.
Unwanted Thoughts
Darkness
Only Darkness
Vision comes into focus
Slowly
White pinpoints glare down
Flicker lightly
Vision goes out
Pictures fly across black
I hear the slam of a door
Green-blue eyes filled with hate
A sob
A slap
"I never did!"
Accusing, hard eyes
Unheard explanations
Another's arms...
Two broken hearts
Whole only together
Never to be together again
Vision comes back
Belongings are gone
Bed is empty
I sob
Darkness...
Only darkness
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Best Day, Worst Night
It was...one of those days, again.
You know, the ones where the day is great and there's sunshine and buttercups and those adorable, cute, little puppies everywhere and then the night is filled with, well, crap.
Surprisingly, the morning was wonderful. For one, Inheritance, the last book in the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini, was announced to have a release date of November 8 of this year! Since I have spent approximately 7 years of my life waiting for the end of this series, it was a cause to celebrate. So, I decided to go all out and wear the new dress! ...Ok, real reason I wore the dress? It was hot, and I really didn't feel like finding socks or a shirt to wear. Dress didn't need ironing, was already on my chair, so it didn't really require a thought process.
And the day was good. Tyler and I began on our Maniacal Masterpiece. And I, for the first time in my life, felt like a real musician. Yeah, I know, some people will read this and think 'You're kidding, right?', but I'm kind of being honest here. Yes, I've played the clarinet for half of my life, and singing even longer than that, but today, I actually felt like I accomplished something. So what if it was only fixing and tweaking the chords I found online for a Ke$ha song? I listened, knew, and most of all, felt the music. And the fact that I could play it and sing it and that I could tell the difference between Dsus4 and D was definitely an accomplishment to me. I know I'm not that great when it comes to hearing pitch, and it's always been something I've been slightly critical on. So to finally hear something right like that...well, it was one of the prouder moments of my life.
But of course, life has balance. And today that meant some parental tension. I won't go into details. But let's just say, after I hung up the phone, I wasn't so happy anymore. In fact, as I write this, I'm still regrettably worked up. I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll feel better. But only time will tell.
At least I can go to bed knowing that I will find out the fate of Eragon and Arya and Saphira and Murtagh in Inheritance in exactly 229 days. Yes, I'm that much of a nerd. I'm ok with this.
You know, the ones where the day is great and there's sunshine and buttercups and those adorable, cute, little puppies everywhere and then the night is filled with, well, crap.
Surprisingly, the morning was wonderful. For one, Inheritance, the last book in the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini, was announced to have a release date of November 8 of this year! Since I have spent approximately 7 years of my life waiting for the end of this series, it was a cause to celebrate. So, I decided to go all out and wear the new dress! ...Ok, real reason I wore the dress? It was hot, and I really didn't feel like finding socks or a shirt to wear. Dress didn't need ironing, was already on my chair, so it didn't really require a thought process.
And the day was good. Tyler and I began on our Maniacal Masterpiece. And I, for the first time in my life, felt like a real musician. Yeah, I know, some people will read this and think 'You're kidding, right?', but I'm kind of being honest here. Yes, I've played the clarinet for half of my life, and singing even longer than that, but today, I actually felt like I accomplished something. So what if it was only fixing and tweaking the chords I found online for a Ke$ha song? I listened, knew, and most of all, felt the music. And the fact that I could play it and sing it and that I could tell the difference between Dsus4 and D was definitely an accomplishment to me. I know I'm not that great when it comes to hearing pitch, and it's always been something I've been slightly critical on. So to finally hear something right like that...well, it was one of the prouder moments of my life.
But of course, life has balance. And today that meant some parental tension. I won't go into details. But let's just say, after I hung up the phone, I wasn't so happy anymore. In fact, as I write this, I'm still regrettably worked up. I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll feel better. But only time will tell.
At least I can go to bed knowing that I will find out the fate of Eragon and Arya and Saphira and Murtagh in Inheritance in exactly 229 days. Yes, I'm that much of a nerd. I'm ok with this.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Just Another Tuesday
I don't really have anything to say today. I just need something to kill a little time before I'm off to being busy again. So I'll present one of the longest poems I've written to date. It's fictional, yet again. And honestly, I'm not sure why or where I came up with the idea for this. I just started writing one day in class in high school when I was bored. No, that was not an uncommon occurrence. Anyway, here it goes.
Expected
I take my seat.
Order the usual.
One cup of Darjeeling, with
Two buttermilk biscuits.
I silently stare out the
Window and watch the rain.
Your call was unexpected
At the least.
"I need to talk to you."
Not exactly the
Kindest words in the
English language.
I know what's coming
Next. You've been
Quiet lately, and
Distant when we talk.
You've been avoiding me.
All the obvious signs
It's over, that's the end.
I see you making your
Way from the parking lot.
My breath catches.
I'd know that walk
Just about anywhere, anytime.
As much as I'm trying to
Brace myself for
The expected words,
You still warm my soul.
Like the sun in
The dead of winter,
I love the sight of you.
You make your way
To the table, shaking
The rain off.
Taking your seat, you
Smile at me.
I feel a pull in my chest.
How will I live without you?
You order the usual,
Coffee w/two sugars and
Buttermilk pancakes as
I watch your
Form in silence.
As the waitress leaves,
You stop and stare into
My eyes.
God, why do you have
To make me feel this way?
If you're gonna end it,
Then just end it.
"Gosh, how do I say this?"
Well, your first sentence
Is really reassuring.
"I think...well, um, I
Think we need to look
At where this is going.
We haven't really had the
Best of luck when
It comes to this
Relationship and our lives
And I think we need
To decide something."
The steady drizzle
Outside becomes a
Downpour.
I want so much to
Look away, but your
Eyes have me hypnotized.
"Love,..."
I close my eyes...
And can't help but
Open them again.
Oh.
My.
God.
I freeze.
"...Will you marry me?"
I stare at that
Beautiful piece of
Metal and stone, then
Raise my eyebrows.
"This is...unexpected."
Fear enters your eyes.
You swallow loudly.
"Yes."
An hour later, as
We walk out into the
Downpour, I can't
Help but think I will
Forever love the rain.
Expected
I take my seat.
Order the usual.
One cup of Darjeeling, with
Two buttermilk biscuits.
I silently stare out the
Window and watch the rain.
Your call was unexpected
At the least.
"I need to talk to you."
Not exactly the
Kindest words in the
English language.
I know what's coming
Next. You've been
Quiet lately, and
Distant when we talk.
You've been avoiding me.
All the obvious signs
It's over, that's the end.
I see you making your
Way from the parking lot.
My breath catches.
I'd know that walk
Just about anywhere, anytime.
As much as I'm trying to
Brace myself for
The expected words,
You still warm my soul.
Like the sun in
The dead of winter,
I love the sight of you.
You make your way
To the table, shaking
The rain off.
Taking your seat, you
Smile at me.
I feel a pull in my chest.
How will I live without you?
You order the usual,
Coffee w/two sugars and
Buttermilk pancakes as
I watch your
Form in silence.
As the waitress leaves,
You stop and stare into
My eyes.
God, why do you have
To make me feel this way?
If you're gonna end it,
Then just end it.
"Gosh, how do I say this?"
Well, your first sentence
Is really reassuring.
"I think...well, um, I
Think we need to look
At where this is going.
We haven't really had the
Best of luck when
It comes to this
Relationship and our lives
And I think we need
To decide something."
The steady drizzle
Outside becomes a
Downpour.
I want so much to
Look away, but your
Eyes have me hypnotized.
"Love,..."
I close my eyes...
And can't help but
Open them again.
Oh.
My.
God.
I freeze.
"...Will you marry me?"
I stare at that
Beautiful piece of
Metal and stone, then
Raise my eyebrows.
"This is...unexpected."
Fear enters your eyes.
You swallow loudly.
"Yes."
An hour later, as
We walk out into the
Downpour, I can't
Help but think I will
Forever love the rain.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Spring Break
I have somehow managed to survive Spring Break.
Not that it was completely horrible. I mean, I did get a guitar case, and a capo. Which is a pretty big deal for me. But I've never been a fan/had a good Spring Break, so I wasn't really surprised when it turned out less than fun than I had predicted. However, I'm back in SM, and ready to finish out this semester with a bang...however that'll happen.
So the next poem is a fictional one. I was in the fantasy story mood the day I wrote it...okay, more like the year I wrote it. It's my one of my favorite concepts for a poem, but my execution of it was less than what I wanted. Either way, here it goes.
Twilight
I slowly close my eyes
I see a wondrous world
Of blues and greys
Of rose and hazel at evening
He is there, silently waiting
The hem of my burgundy gown
Catches on the falling orange & gold
Leaves as I move towards him
Our eyes meet; a small smile appears
Never could words express the
Feelings conveyed in our gaze
Rosy sunlight filters through the
Trees as he takes my hand
We dance to a tune unfathomable
To the ears of others, our
Feet as light as the foam on the
Waves of the sea. As the
Sun sets in the South, the
Music ends. But he doesn't
Let go. He pulls me closer
I melt into his embrace
He lifts my chin gently, and
Opens his mouth to say
Something. "I lo-"
I open my eyes.
*sigh*
Dreams are too good to be true.
(P.S. This was written before the Twilight series came out. Just saying.)
Not that it was completely horrible. I mean, I did get a guitar case, and a capo. Which is a pretty big deal for me. But I've never been a fan/had a good Spring Break, so I wasn't really surprised when it turned out less than fun than I had predicted. However, I'm back in SM, and ready to finish out this semester with a bang...however that'll happen.
So the next poem is a fictional one. I was in the fantasy story mood the day I wrote it...okay, more like the year I wrote it. It's my one of my favorite concepts for a poem, but my execution of it was less than what I wanted. Either way, here it goes.
Twilight
I slowly close my eyes
I see a wondrous world
Of blues and greys
Of rose and hazel at evening
He is there, silently waiting
The hem of my burgundy gown
Catches on the falling orange & gold
Leaves as I move towards him
Our eyes meet; a small smile appears
Never could words express the
Feelings conveyed in our gaze
Rosy sunlight filters through the
Trees as he takes my hand
We dance to a tune unfathomable
To the ears of others, our
Feet as light as the foam on the
Waves of the sea. As the
Sun sets in the South, the
Music ends. But he doesn't
Let go. He pulls me closer
I melt into his embrace
He lifts my chin gently, and
Opens his mouth to say
Something. "I lo-"
I open my eyes.
*sigh*
Dreams are too good to be true.
(P.S. This was written before the Twilight series came out. Just saying.)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
IHOP Adventures
I'm Catholic. Practicing Catholic. So in accordance to Lenten practices, I had no meat this Wednesday. Which, needless to say, is quite a hard thing to do sometimes. So when Tyler texted me saying "Wanna go with me to IHOP at midnight?", I couldn't help but agree. I mean, it was a good idea. Only problem was, I had just eaten cheese and spinach pizza. So I wasn't hungry when Tyler, Sabrina and I went to IHOP. But I went for moral support. And it was great! I probably laughed more tonight than I have in the past week! It was definitely the exact thing I needed.
Now for the poem. It's fictional, though based on events concerning a friend. Anyway, it's slightly dark, a little different from my usual stuff. Enjoy.
Silence
Will you ever know?
Will I ever tell you?
Even if it were so,
I would always fail you.
I don't deserve one so good.
One so far above me.
I'd hold you close, if I could,
But you will never love me.
The pain I feel is much too great,
The sorrow overbearing.
Can I turn this love to hate?
No, I'm far too caring.
As long as I am in this hole,
As long as you don't care
I'll hold your memory, sweet and whole,
All the while in despair.
So go on with your life
As I will with mine.
But remember your memory held the knife
That made this
crimson
line.
To regrets, loves, and losses.
Now for the poem. It's fictional, though based on events concerning a friend. Anyway, it's slightly dark, a little different from my usual stuff. Enjoy.
Silence
Will you ever know?
Will I ever tell you?
Even if it were so,
I would always fail you.
I don't deserve one so good.
One so far above me.
I'd hold you close, if I could,
But you will never love me.
The pain I feel is much too great,
The sorrow overbearing.
Can I turn this love to hate?
No, I'm far too caring.
As long as I am in this hole,
As long as you don't care
I'll hold your memory, sweet and whole,
All the while in despair.
So go on with your life
As I will with mine.
But remember your memory held the knife
That made this
crimson
line.
To regrets, loves, and losses.
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