"You smell so good. I. Want. To. Take. A. Bite. Out. Of. You."

So I work at a bakery. And I'm fast learning, I'm pretty good at it. I'm not meaning to brag or anything. It's just that not many people can wake up at 3 am every day and give every person (rude people who throw their money on the counter included) a warm, sunshine-y smile as they ask them "Can I help you?"  But the interesting part of it is that not only am I good at it, but I enjoy it. More than I ever thought I would. To the point where I wish I could get up at 3 am every day of my life. I know it sounds crazy, but I would be happy. Probably more than if I finished school and taught, which I also know I love. But there's something so satisfying about helping someone, smiling, just influencing a little of their day, that makes me feel more accomplished than almost any other moment in my life.


To be perfectly honest, the bakery is saving me right now. Without it, I'd have nothing to distract me from the rest of my life, which hasn't been going so great. I've started to see that my entire life has been nothing but cycles. When it comes to friends, relationships, it all begins and ends the same way, no matter how different I think the situation is. And I'm hoping, for once, I can change how I usually deal with things, because I can't stand the idea of the cycle completing again, especially in this one instance.
And let's not touch too much on the subject of family, right now. Basically, I'm being forced to watch as the people I love the most are hurt and suffering, or walking willingly towards needless misery, with no one to tell it all to, or any way to help. It's more than I can bear sometimes.

I keep doing what I shouldn't. And the bad thing is it's starting to weigh less and less on my conscience. Someone told me to not give up, that I can change. I think I have given up already, just haven't given up on hoping I can change. Doesn't make any sense, but there you go.
Oh, the title? My aunt told me that the other day when I saw her at a track meet after work. I smelled like buttercream frosting...her favorite.

Hm...? Sorry, can't think of a title.

...I think I'm going insane. Now, you may think that the declaration of insanity might be uncalled for, but I'm far more lost than I'm letting on. Even to myself. I can't really figure out what I even want day to day in my life. I used to have a plan, and a damn good one if I do say so myself. But lately...it's like I've been forced to start from scratch against my will. The events of these past two years have really piled up until...well, this. I look back at myself and long for it. What's even worse is I look at myself today in the mirror with the mental stance of myself two years ago and want to destroy my reflection.  If that doesn't say something, I don't know what does. To put it simply, all that goes through my mind lately is "How the fuck did I get here and who the fuck am I?" It's a safe thing to say that I can't stand myself on a most primal level. And I'm realizing if that's the truth, I don't deserve the one thing that's been on my mind lately. 

I think that kills me more than anything. I don't ever see myself getting even within walking distance of the person I used to be. And that's sad, because even that person was flawed...