Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

Rain...

Here's another secret.

I love it.

I've always had this fascination with rain. Maybe it's because in South Texas, we more often than not have crazy long droughts and we're praying for the rain to save the grain and cotton. Maybe it's because the symbolism behind rain pulls at the fantastical side of my mind. Regardless of why, I simply can never hate it. It's a beautiful thing, and even if I get soaking wet and I'm freezing to death in a class or I feel miserable two days later, I still like it. The world gets quieter when it rains, like a hush overtakes the Earth and all in it. Not to mention, I've always seen rain as a sign of new beginnings, a cleansing of what was cracked, dry and brittle into something full of life. And at this point in my life, new beginnings would be welcome.


The rain always makes me think of that B.J. Thomas song. Yes, I'm a college student who knows who B.J. Thomas is. There's not many of us left, but we're still around! It's always been one of my favorite songs, mostly because it came out on Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, which, if you have never seen, is one of my favorite westerns starring Robert Redford and Paul Newman. 

Watch a clip, if you'd like. Personally, it's wonderful. My favorite scene in the movie by far.


So I find it funny that something that's normally considered gloomy and depressing and such actually pulled me out of the worst of those feelings into something bearable today. But then again, I can't be the only one who loves the rain, right?


The poem I'm posting today is one that I wrote when I was missing a friend and it was more than I could bear. He had been there for me through everything, and then without warning was torn out of my life. Luckily, we've still had a chance to keep in touch despite circumstances, and I can honestly say I owe him more than my life. Pat, since hopefully you'll get to read this, I love you more than words can say, and I hope that whatever your doing, wherever you are, you'll know that I'm keeping you forever in my heart.


IDK
IDK...
IDK what it is I'm feeling right now.
IDK whether to feel sad, angry or happy.
IDK what's going on anymore.
IDK why the weather seems to be so beautiful and awful at the same time.
IDK when we'll have track practice again.
IDK what this desk is made of...I've always wondered.
IDK why Menchaca likes the Red Balloon.
IDK why my key fell off yesterday.
IDK whether I'll try out for Drum Major again or not.
IDK why this week has totally, utterly stunk.
IDK how a computer works.
IDK why nail polish has to always chip.
IDK what we did last period, I just did it.
IDK why music can make me feel so alive...and yet so dead.
IDK where Antonio went...he's probably dead.
IDK how I'm gonna get to State in Solo.
IDK what my SSN is...I know, pathetic.
IDK how Super Graph Man can have such NEAT handwriting.
IDK why I slack off.
IDK what my best friend is doing right now.
IDK a thing about politics,...but I'd vote anyway if I could.
IDK why they painted the classrooms yellow...don't they know yellow makes you want to leave a room faster?
IDK where they make Levi's...I'd like to though.
IDK where exactly I'll go to college.
IDK where Kim is gonna go, either.
IDK why everyone's wearing pink or grey today.
IDK what the heck I'm talking about half the time.
IDK why I like running...I just do.
IDK why I haven't fixed my ring yet...I should.
IDK why Andrea and I are laughing at this exact moment.
IDK why there's a star on the wall.
IDK if I'll ever learn to drive.
IDK what the heck feudalism is...I can never remember!
IDK what time it is.
IDK when I learned to read.
IDK if the Varsity Football guys will go to Playoffs next year.
IDK why most socks are white...that's a really good subject to think about.
IDK why I like FanFiction.net...but it's addictive.
IDK what's in eyeliner...maybe I don't want to.
IDK how I'll get through college.
IDK what is wrong with you.
IDK why they play this song ALL THE TIME!!!
IDK what day I met you...but I don't regret it.
IDK why things have to be this way...all I know is it's not fair.
IDK why life has taken such a turn.
IDK if the pain will ever stop...I hope it does.
IDK what the Lord has planned...but it's bigger than anything we've ever dreamed up.
IDK why everything has a song to go with it.
IDK what's gonna happen next...but I know we're ready for it.
IDK how it will end...but that's the fun of it.
IDK a lot of things...but I do know I love you, and that makes it all better.
IDK if you'll ever read this...if you do...don't ask what I was thinking...
Cuz IDK...I never do.

Love

There's not really much I have to say about love. Everyone has their own opinions on what it is and how it should go.

Me?

I'm not sure. I mean, I believe that love is a true thing, when you are willing to sacrifice for a person and care for their wellbeing. I just don't think that it's as wonderful as everyone says. I admit, I've loved (and lost) before. And while my life was changed due to it, I think I would have been better off without it. Because it changed me for the worst. Not in a completely horrible way. I just don't think I could love the way I used to. Because a big part of love is trust. And that...is something that has been crushed by many people around me. I feel like I can't trust anyone with my heart ever again. Some might say I just need to wait or the right person won't scatter it all to the wind, but I say I know myself. And the way I loved - fully, compassionately, and with the best intentions - will never happen again. I can truthfully say I don't have hope for myself ever loving. 

But then again, I will say this. Maybe, one day, someone can show me how to love again. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to trust.

Love
Love isn't patient.
It's restless.
Your hands, body, and soul
Twitch with the
Anticipation of a 
Single touch.
Love is not kind.
It's cruel.
It tears at your
Heartstrings,
Bringing tears to your
Eyes for the 
Longing of it.
So why do people always
Lie about how it really is?
Maybe they don't
Really know love. 

Another Old Poem, To Make The Last One Not So Lonely

You
I don't understand you.
And yet...
You're the only one who makes perfect sense.
As much as we hate to admit,
We are so alike.
Because of it, you'd think
I would be able to figure it all out.
As much as I know,
You're still such a mystery.
But this I'm sure of.
You are what keeps me going.
You know exactly what I'm thinking, and
You know exactly how to change it for the better.
You are one of the only reasons I've got left.
You stay when the others turn.
You have always been here for me.
What's happened?
Where are you now?
I'm not sure. 
All I know is...
You've got a lot of making up to do.
Because I need you.
Need.
Don't you know that?
I'm sorry I'm being so...
Dependent.
But I'm scared.
And you're the only one I can run to.

No Small Talk Today, Just An Old, Lonely Poem

My Light
I don't understand.
How is it that you can make me feel so much better just by smiling?
Just by meeting your eyes, all my problems melt away.
I'm gliding across the sky.
All cares abandoned in the depths of the sea below.
You speak, I let myself fall into a field of green.
Your arms so gentle, holding me, wrapping me in heaven.
You smile.
I'm safe forever more.
Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself.
You've saved me from the dark.
My light, my love.
I think I finally understand.

Dirty Hands Make For A Sunshine-y Day

Art. Something I used to see as completely beyond my abilities and never in my future.

And somehow, it's become one of the few things that keep me going. Today's basic drawing class was probably one of the best I've had, though last week was quite the revelation for me. For once, I've been good at something creative. You know, that comes out of my own mind. Because what I put on that newsprint paper with charcoal and graphite is a creation that no one else can possibly recreate exactly, for they don't see the world the same way as I do. And that to me is a completely beautiful and humbling idea. And for all the fear that I used to have to let someone see anything I drew, I've been SHOWING people what I've been doing in class lately. I'm not afraid anymore. For some reason, I've always been comfortable with singing, because the words are always someone else's (though I can't guarantee they'll always be), and playing clarinet or guitar is a tad different because, once again, the notes and chords are on the page for me, concrete and not mine, though through the ever-present musician's liberty I can tweak it to make it "mine" in a way. But art? It's completely unlike that. It's truly mine. It represents the inner workings of my mind in a way that only writing has been able to do before. And yet, it's even a more intimate event than that. For even though the words are from my perspective, no words can express exactly what the eye can see. So today, my hands were covered in charcoal and graphite and all sorts of powdery residues thrice over, but my mind was free for a while. If it weren't for Fridays, I would have given up hope a long time ago.

And now for the poetry. This is...one of my darker ones. Again, fictional (the non-fictional poetry I'm a tad reluctant to debut, seeing as my intents and emotions are a little transparent in my writing of actual transpiring events), and written after talking to an old friend. It's not one of my best.

Unwanted Thoughts
Darkness
Only Darkness
Vision comes into focus
Slowly
White pinpoints glare down
Flicker lightly
Vision goes out
Pictures fly across black
I hear the slam of a door
Green-blue eyes filled with hate
A sob
A slap
"I never did!"
Accusing, hard eyes
Unheard explanations
Another's arms...
Two broken hearts
Whole only together
Never to be together again
Vision comes back
Belongings are gone
Bed is empty
I sob
Darkness...
Only darkness

Best Day, Worst Night

It was...one of those days, again.

You know, the ones where the day is great and there's sunshine and buttercups and those adorable, cute, little puppies everywhere and then the night is filled with, well, crap.

Surprisingly, the morning was wonderful. For one, Inheritance, the last book in the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini, was announced to have a release date of November 8 of this year! Since I have spent approximately 7 years of my life waiting for the end of this series, it was a cause to celebrate. So, I decided to go all out and wear the new dress! ...Ok, real reason I wore the dress? It was hot, and I really didn't feel like finding socks or a shirt to wear. Dress didn't need ironing, was already on my chair, so it didn't really require a thought process.

And the day was good. Tyler and I began on our Maniacal Masterpiece. And I, for the first time in my life, felt like a real musician. Yeah, I know, some people will read this and think 'You're kidding, right?', but I'm kind of being honest here. Yes, I've played the clarinet for half of my life, and singing even longer than that, but today, I actually felt like I accomplished something. So what if it was only fixing and tweaking the chords I found online for a Ke$ha song? I listened, knew, and most of all, felt the music. And the fact that I could play it and sing it and that I could tell the difference between Dsus4 and D was definitely an accomplishment to me. I know I'm not that great when it comes to hearing pitch, and it's always been something I've been slightly critical on. So to finally hear something right like that...well, it was one of the prouder moments of my life. 

But of course, life has balance. And today that meant some parental tension. I won't go into details. But let's just say, after I hung up the phone, I wasn't so happy anymore. In fact, as I write this, I'm still regrettably worked up. I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll feel better. But only time will tell. 

At least I can go to bed knowing that I will find out the fate of Eragon and Arya and Saphira and Murtagh in Inheritance in exactly 229 days. Yes, I'm that much of a nerd. I'm ok with this.

Just Another Tuesday

I don't really have anything to say today. I just need something to kill a little time before I'm off to being busy again. So I'll present one of the longest poems I've written to date. It's fictional, yet again. And honestly, I'm not sure why or where I came up with the idea for this. I just started writing one day in class in high school when I was bored. No, that was not an uncommon occurrence. Anyway, here it goes.

Expected
I take my seat.
Order the usual.
One cup of Darjeeling, with
Two buttermilk biscuits.
I silently stare out the
Window and watch the rain.
Your call was unexpected
At the least.
"I need to talk to you."
Not exactly the
Kindest words in the
English language.
I know what's coming
Next. You've been
Quiet lately, and
Distant when we talk.
You've been avoiding me.
All the obvious signs
It's over, that's the end.
I see you making your
Way from the parking lot.
My breath catches.
I'd know that walk
Just about anywhere, anytime.
As much as I'm trying to
Brace myself for
The expected words,
You still warm my soul.
Like the sun in
The dead of winter,
I love the sight of you.
You make your way
To the table, shaking
The rain off.
Taking your seat, you
Smile at me.
I feel a pull in my chest.
How will I live without you?
You order the usual,
Coffee w/two sugars and 
Buttermilk pancakes as
I watch your
Form in silence.
As the waitress leaves,
You stop and stare into
My eyes.
God, why do you have
To make me feel this way?
If you're gonna end it,
Then just end it.
"Gosh, how do I say this?"
Well, your first sentence
Is really reassuring.
"I think...well, um, I
Think we need to look
At where this is going.
We haven't really had the
Best of luck when 
It comes to this
Relationship and our lives
And I think we need 
To decide something."
The steady drizzle
Outside becomes a 
Downpour.
I want so much to
Look away, but your
Eyes have me hypnotized.
"Love,..."
I close my eyes...
And can't help but
Open them again.
Oh.
My.
God.
I freeze.
"...Will you marry me?"
I stare at that
Beautiful piece of
Metal and stone, then
Raise my eyebrows.
"This is...unexpected."
Fear enters your eyes.
You swallow loudly.
"Yes."
An hour later, as
We walk out into the
Downpour, I can't
Help but think I will
Forever love the rain.

Spring Break

I have somehow managed to survive Spring Break.

Not that it was completely horrible. I mean, I did get a guitar case, and a capo. Which is a pretty big deal for me. But I've never been a fan/had a good Spring Break, so I wasn't really surprised when it turned out less than fun than I had predicted. However, I'm back in SM, and ready to finish out this semester with a bang...however that'll happen. 

So the next poem is a fictional one. I was in the fantasy story mood the day I wrote it...okay, more like the year I wrote it. It's my one of my favorite concepts for a poem, but my execution of it was less than what I wanted. Either way, here it goes.

Twilight
I slowly close my eyes
I see a wondrous world
Of blues and greys
Of rose and hazel at evening
He is there, silently waiting
The hem of my burgundy gown
Catches on the falling orange & gold
Leaves as I move towards him
Our eyes meet; a small smile appears
Never could words express the 
Feelings conveyed in our gaze
Rosy sunlight filters through the
Trees as he takes my hand
We dance to a tune unfathomable
To the ears of others, our
Feet as light as the foam on the
Waves of the sea. As the 
Sun sets in the South, the 
Music ends. But he doesn't
Let go. He pulls me closer
I melt into his embrace
He lifts my chin gently, and
Opens his mouth to say
Something. "I lo-"
I open my eyes.
*sigh*
Dreams are too good to be true.


(P.S. This was written before the Twilight series came out. Just saying.)

IHOP Adventures

I'm Catholic. Practicing Catholic. So in accordance to Lenten practices, I had no meat this Wednesday. Which, needless to say, is quite a hard thing to do sometimes. So when Tyler texted me saying "Wanna go with me to IHOP at midnight?", I couldn't help but agree. I mean, it was a good idea. Only problem was, I had just eaten cheese and spinach pizza. So I wasn't hungry when Tyler, Sabrina and I went to IHOP. But I went for moral support. And it was great! I probably laughed more tonight than I have in the past week! It was definitely the exact thing I needed.

Now for the poem. It's fictional, though based on events concerning a friend. Anyway, it's slightly dark, a little different from my usual stuff. Enjoy.

Silence
Will you ever know?
Will I ever tell you?
Even if it were so,
I would always fail you.

I don't deserve one so good.
One so far above me.
I'd hold you close, if I could,
But you will never love me.

The pain I feel is much too great,
The sorrow overbearing.
Can I turn this love to hate?
No, I'm far too caring.

As long as I am in this hole,
As long as you don't care
I'll hold your memory, sweet and whole,
All the while in despair.

So go on with your life
As I will with mine.
But remember your memory held the knife
That made this
              crimson
                     line.

To regrets, loves, and losses.

Long Time, No Write

Ok, I know, I haven't written in quite some time. It's mainly due to a mind in turmoil. But since I've written, Bobcat Awakening has come and gone, Boyce Avenue concert has also come and gone, and I have bought a guitar. 

I would go into further detail, but it's too much, and honestly, I'm not quite in the mood to write about those topics. Instead, I came up with an idea. You see, I write a lot of poetry. But don't show it all to people. So I think I'm going to start posting one of my original poems (I have about 58...ish) at least once a week. You can review them, hate them, love them, I really don't care. For one, poetry isn't for everyone, and even if you like it, not every poet is for everyone. Not that I call myself a poet. This is more of a "keep me sane" action than a hobby. 

So here it goes.

Whispers On A Wind
The ocean surges around me,
Crashing waves on a rocky coast,
But I only hear your voice.
Thunderous swells are silent;
I hear your last words to me
As if it were yesterday,
Your whispers like your lips
Brushing against my skin,
Words that told me of your love.
Please come back soon.
I am condemned without you.
Hear my plea to you
Traveling on this western wind.
Stay safe for me
'Til next we meet.