It's a terrible night.
All I want is to be held and told that it's all going to be alright.
I know that's a lie, but sometimes hearing a lie is better than being forced to accept a harsh reality.
I feel like I'm counting down days and hours now...I'm terrified that I'm right, and the day is alarmingly near.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Something's Changed
Nothing big. In fact, most people wouldn't even notice it, but since I look for it, of course I do.
Two words. Two words have kept popping up, and every time they do it's like a bullet to the brain. I can't take hearing them, and they both make my heart soar and rip it completely out of my chest. Because the other things that are said are proof as to why I can't let them get to me. But I can't help it. I want to hear those words, more than anything, all the time. Only, I know there's no feeling, no meaning behind them at all, which makes them the most harmful things ever. They're killing me, and I get the feeling I'm going to be hearing them more often. That tears me in two. Because as much as I love the dream of it all, I can only die inside so many times.
It's getting closer and closer to that day when I either come completely clean or walk away. I keep hearing different things as to what I should say or when it should be, but I know one thing for sure. Whatever day it is, whatever I say, whenever I say it, it will be the day that I put my heart through the meat grinder, and walk out of your life forever. Yes, only for selfish reasons, because I can't bear the thought of seeing you after saying something and not being able to finally have the one thing I've wanted for so long. In my defense though, by then I'll have been long overdue in doing something for myself. I kind of already am...
Two words. Two words have kept popping up, and every time they do it's like a bullet to the brain. I can't take hearing them, and they both make my heart soar and rip it completely out of my chest. Because the other things that are said are proof as to why I can't let them get to me. But I can't help it. I want to hear those words, more than anything, all the time. Only, I know there's no feeling, no meaning behind them at all, which makes them the most harmful things ever. They're killing me, and I get the feeling I'm going to be hearing them more often. That tears me in two. Because as much as I love the dream of it all, I can only die inside so many times.
It's getting closer and closer to that day when I either come completely clean or walk away. I keep hearing different things as to what I should say or when it should be, but I know one thing for sure. Whatever day it is, whatever I say, whenever I say it, it will be the day that I put my heart through the meat grinder, and walk out of your life forever. Yes, only for selfish reasons, because I can't bear the thought of seeing you after saying something and not being able to finally have the one thing I've wanted for so long. In my defense though, by then I'll have been long overdue in doing something for myself. I kind of already am...
Friday, April 13, 2012
Confused
Apparently you talk about me.
Not in a bad way. In a good way. Suddenly other friends know my good news before I tell them. It's a little odd. Because I know I talk a lot about you, but...you've never talked about me. And now according to a couple of people, my name is constantly on your tongue.
I don't get it. I really don't. Because you aren't supposed to care this much. I'm used to you not caring, I can handle that. But you caring just a little more than I thought? I'm not so sure. It's scary. I kind of would rather you not care. Makes me remember I have no chance.
Not in a bad way. In a good way. Suddenly other friends know my good news before I tell them. It's a little odd. Because I know I talk a lot about you, but...you've never talked about me. And now according to a couple of people, my name is constantly on your tongue.
I don't get it. I really don't. Because you aren't supposed to care this much. I'm used to you not caring, I can handle that. But you caring just a little more than I thought? I'm not so sure. It's scary. I kind of would rather you not care. Makes me remember I have no chance.
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