I'm Sorry

But this is it. I know what's going on. I'm not blind. But I can't sit back and watch it anymore. I don't wanna know. My heart literally can't take anymore pain. Just the thought of it, the absolute idea, sends me into fits of crying and trying to hold myself together through the onslaught of jealousy, rage, and heartbreak I go through.

I'm pretty sure I love you. I would have thought you'd have seen it by now. But apparently you're just as blind as you have been in the past. And as close of a friend as you are, I'm gonna have to walk away. Because you deserve to find someone you "want to be with". And I deserve to live with the pain, without the express knowledge of details that will just tear me to shreds.

I'm not sure if I'll ever come back. And for that, for leaving, I'm sorry. But know this. If I ever meet a girl who actually deserves you, who is actually right for you, I'll send her your way.

Wishful Thinking

It's a terrible night.

All I want is to be held and told that it's all going to be alright.

I know that's a lie, but sometimes hearing a lie is better than being forced to accept a harsh reality.

I feel like I'm counting down days and hours now...I'm terrified that I'm right, and the day is alarmingly near.

Something's Changed

Nothing big. In fact, most people wouldn't even notice it, but since I look for it, of course I do.

Two words. Two words have kept popping up, and every time they do it's like a bullet to the brain. I can't take hearing them, and they both make my heart soar and rip it completely out of my chest. Because the other things that are said are proof as to why I can't let them get to me. But I can't help it. I want to hear those words, more than anything, all the time. Only, I know there's no feeling, no meaning behind them at all, which makes them the most harmful things ever. They're killing me, and I get the feeling I'm going to be hearing them more often. That tears me in two. Because as much as I love the dream of it all, I can only die inside so many times.

It's getting closer and closer to that day when I either come completely clean or walk away. I keep hearing different things as to what I should say or when it should be, but I know one thing for sure. Whatever day it is, whatever I say, whenever I say it, it will be the day that I put my heart through the meat grinder, and walk out of your life forever. Yes, only for selfish reasons, because I can't bear the thought of seeing you after saying something and not being able to finally have the one thing I've wanted for so long. In my defense though, by then I'll have been long overdue in doing something for myself. I kind of already am...

Confused

Apparently you talk about me.

Not in a bad way. In a good way. Suddenly other friends know my good news before I tell them. It's a little odd. Because I know I talk a lot about you, but...you've never talked about me. And now according to a couple of people, my name is constantly on your tongue.

I don't get it. I really don't. Because you aren't supposed to care this much. I'm used to you not caring, I can handle that. But you caring just a little more than I thought? I'm not so sure. It's scary. I kind of would rather you not care. Makes me remember I have no chance.

Hear That?

What you hear is the impossible shattering of a heart so broken it hasn't been whole for years...

Just when I think I can't be hurt anymore, I am.

I may not want to end up with someone, but that doesn't mean I don't love. Let's be perfectly honest. The only reason I don't want to end up with someone is because no one else is you. I can't pretend. You're it.

But I'm not it for you. I guess it just goes to show that fate or destiny or the universe or whatever you want to call it doesn't always match people up neatly. You'd think it'd be kinder.

Early Morning Thoughts

I hate myself for loving you. For sticking around even when I know that it's the most hopeless situation in the existence of the world.

I can't tell you.

Once again...I hate Trigonometry.

...

More than anything, though, I wish I had the strength to walk away and forget you. You forgot me a long time ago.

I love you, you know...

But no. You don't know.

Maybe one day you will.